Navigating Friendships in Your 20s

By: Aneesha Mahapatra

I’ve been in multiple friend groups during the duration of my life so far. Most of the time, they’re groups of three or four. Four is easier when you have two sets of friends, but three is where it gets tricky. I have never really experienced the feeling of FOMO until I was 18 years old. Two of my best friends started hanging out a lot without me, and it was fine as we’d all individually hang out with each other, but it came to the point where it’d be an almost everyday thing and no invite. I wasn’t the jealous type, I wasn’t the type to get mad over it, but I was still human and had major anxiety on why I was never the one to be called first. 

I always wondered why I was considered the “last resort” friend or “pity” friend until my junior year of college. 

“Was I the problem?” 

“Is there something wrong with me?”

“Are my so-called friends embarrassed of me?” 

I’d make excuses in my head anyways and just give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they forgot or maybe they’ll invite me next time. Unfortunately, when you see an ongoing pattern, that’s something that’ll stick inside your brain through the end. 

A big part of maturing is realizing that trios never work out no matter what. Two people are always going to be closer and you’re the odd one out. I’d even third-wheel my friend and her boyfriend, even though we were all friends. It still felt weird at times because it obviously just felt as if I was a nuisance interrupting a date. 

There were times when I’d also do the same with an odd number of friends or if I was the “chosen one” first, but my biggest priority is to make sure no one was feeling out. I’d go to these hangouts of three and find out that my two friends know the gossip before me because they were texting and talking about it beforehand. I’d wonder why it wasn’t shared in the group chat, or why no one told me before so we could all debrief together rather than me just learning about it and chiming in on something I don’t have a lot of knowledge about. It’s a weird feeling that resides within you after a while. 

I’ve taken these moments to navigate my early 20s as I make new friendships and even end old ones. There are people in your life that you can go days, even years, without speaking, and you’re still best friends. There are people in your lives that you could talk to and text everyday, but eventually the connection isn’t there anymore. There are groups of friends that will plan everything without you, and there are groups of friends that will include you in everything. There are friends that won’t show up for you even at a time you thought they would, and there are people who make sure you are the most loved in the room.

I’ve gone through my fair share of friends who have been jealous of my successes, who make excuses not to hang out or prioritize other people over me, and don’t really bother with a text unless it’s about them. I’ve been there too, and I’ve realized it’s not worth keeping the people who continue to choose everyone else over you around. 

As a society, we’ve come to a standing ground in life where no one is showing up for their friends. Someone is always tired, sick every time you make plans, or just too lazy. I’m not perfect, I’ve done that too, but at the end of the day I still suck it up and try to show up because I consider my friends my favorite people and I want to be there for them.

I remind myself that being left out doesn’t make me less. So instead of sitting around hoping for a text, I start making my own plans with friends who actually want to hang out. FOMO does make all of this harder. You see everyone living their best life without you and start wondering where you fit in, but the truth is, friendships don’t all look the same. 

I have my best friends, the ones I can call in the middle of the night, share 5 minute voice memos, and hang out everyday without getting bored. There are also the catch-up friends, the ones I see every few months for coffee just to discuss life updates. They’re not really in my inner circle, but I still make the effort because those moments matter too. Then I have my trios, where I don’t really fit in, but always enjoy seeing them thrive because I still care about them. 

Friendship is complicated. It can be messy or it can be amazing. It’s okay to keep finding your place until you feel safe in a group where you can be yourself and shine. I’m still learning how to show up for the people I love while making sure I’m surrounded by people who show up for me too. And, you can still be happy for people in your life that you thought you were close with once, but aren’t as close anymore. After all, that’s the whole point of growing up.