Yes, I’m Single. No, I Don’t Want To Change That. 

By: Jools Dembo

Another Valentine’s day has come and gone. Another day full of seeing all of the happy couples in love all over my social media feeds. Another year of seeing people on the streets buying flowers and chocolates for their partners.

For people who are not in romantic relationships, Valentine’s day can come with a lot of feelings. Sadness, envy, even anger. For years, I felt that way too. Even when I was in a relationship, I was let down by the things (or lack of) that my partner did for me. I wanted a picture perfect romantic day. Not a guy telling me that he was glad his friend told him to buy me flowers. 

Last year on Valentine’s day, I was only a couple of months out of a relationship. I longed for the love that was being forced down my throat on social media. I wanted to be held and kissed and truly and unconditionally loved by someone. 

As February 14th approached this year, I was waiting for those feelings to hit me again, as they do every year. For a while, I’ve been content with being single. I like having the freedom to do whatever I want with whomever I want, whenever I want. But, I was still anticipating the Valentine’s Day Blues to hit at some point. To my surprise, they never did. 

Let me be clear: There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. I have been there and I’m almost positive I will be there again. I feel for every single person who felt a pang in their chest seeing all of the happy couples flooding their Instagram stories. However, let me also be clear about something else: I’ve never been more content not being in a relationship. 

For most of my life, I was chasing after the kind of love that I was raised consuming. The princess finding her prince. The damsel in distress being rescued by the knight in shining armor. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that this is not the only kind of love to exist. Whether you are single or not, it is not the only kind of love that any of us should be fostering.

I always come back to a quote from Dolly Alderton’s memoir, Everything I Know About Love. If you have never heard of this book, you most likely read the title and think that it is all about Alderton’s relationships with men throughout her life. While there are bits and pieces about her romantic endeavors, the core theme of the book is female friendship.

“Nearly everything I know about love,” she writes on page 368, “I’ve learned in my long term friendships with women.” 

I think about this quote so often because of the truth of it. I wouldn’t know the first thing about love - romantic or platonic- if it weren’t for the female friendships that I’ve had throughout my life. My childhood friends taught me empathy and compassion. My middle school friends taught me what I need in any sort of relationship. My high school and college friends taught me how to communicate and express my own needs to maintain the bonds that we have.

Men will come and go throughout my life and all of my friend’s' lives, yet I feel confident that it will be the same girls who let me cry on their shoulders and bring the wine to get me through each and every breakup. I, too, will also be there to bring them the wine every single time.

I may be single, but I am deeply in love. The love that I feel for my female friends is one that I could never comprehend feeling for a man (or at least not in this current stage of my life). I feel so lucky that I have such amazing women in my life who I know will be with me through it all. If it weren’t for them, I probably would have felt lonely on Valentine’s day. 

Maybe you have an incredible group of friends but you still yearn for romantic connection. That’s okay! You are absolutely allowed to still want that. What strikes me the most is when I tell people that I’m single and I’m happy that way, and they look at me like I just told them that I committed a crime. 

Personally, I’m at a place in my life where I feel fulfilled not being in a relationship. I want to live my life, travel the world, explore living in new cities. I don’t want anyone tying me down to one place right now. My friendships have (and will continue to) span states, countries, and continents. I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch my friends go live their lives from wherever they choose, even if I’m watching it through a screen. 

If you are feeling sad about being single, I encourage you to channel the love that you wish you were giving to a partner and give it to your friends. You will find your person. 

But for now, don’t let that love go to waste.