Yes, You Do Still Have Free Will

By: Jools Dembo

Wake up. Go to work. Get home. Cook dinner, clean room, do laundry. Doomscroll until your eyes shut. Repeat day in and day out. For many of us navigating the first few years of postgrad life, this is our reality. We are slaves to the jobs that we begged and prayed for yet make us miserable. It feels like every day is exactly the same and what’s even the point of making the money that you do when you’re too depressed to use it? So you repeat the same mundane 24 hours over and over again and spiral into pessimistic nihilism until you cry. 

For the better part of a year, that was my life. I was in a job that made me deeply unhappy and where I didn’t see a path to fulfilling my career goals. I was so drained every day that I didn’t want to do anything. I would get home from work, drink some wine (or scotch on occasion) and lay in bed until I fell asleep. I wasn’t the same person that I once was. The ambitious, empathetic, and creative individual that once existed within my body burned away and I was terrified I would never get her back.

I made the decision to change what I knew. To leave the “comfort” of my stable job that I had spent every day going to. It was terrifying, but I knew that I had to jump into the unknown. With this big change, I remembered something. I have free will. Just because I am now over a year post-grad and a “real adult”, it doesn’t mean that I have to be a slave to my 9-5. 

I frequently longed for my college days where I could learn and have even “joked” with my friends who are still in school that I will happily do their homework for them.  I have always been an inherently curious person, no stranger to internet rabbit holes on niche subjects (I once watched a video essay on Goldfish crackers lore). For so long I thought that the only way to learn something new would be going to Grad school. But a quick internet search told me that was not the case. I discovered Coursera, an online platform where you can take a certificate course in pretty much anything from various accredited institutions and I am currently working towards a Creative Writing certificate from Wesleyan University and a Music Business Certificate from the Berklee College of Music. These courses have allowed me to continue to enhance my knowledge in multiple things that I have always been passionate about. Instead of spending my post-work nights scrolling through social media, I spend them continuing to educate myself from the comfort of my bed. The realization that I don’t have to be in a structured educational setting to continue learning has drastically changed the way that I view post-grad life.

The sudden awareness of my ever present free will may not have been revolutionary, but the outcomes have been. In addition to my DIY continued education, I have been falling back in love with the things that I had forgotten sparked happiness for me. I’ve stopped neglecting the books on my shelf and have remembered how much I love to read. I have started posting on my “Bookstagram” again after a two year long break and have fallen back in love with creating content that I am passionate about and creating community. (Shameless plug: follow me @joolsreadsbooks). 

I have remembered that I love to play guitar. I have found a new hobby in doing my own nails. Even in writing this, I’m remembering my love for writing which had gotten lost in my deep pit of depression. 

Remember the power of your own free will. Remember the joy that you get from your hobbies, even if you’re not great at them. You don’t have to be perfect at everything.

Most importantly, remember to use your free will to get yourself out of the situation that you despise so deeply. For months, all that I talked about was how miserable I was but I was too scared to truly do anything to change it. But comfort doesn’t equate to happiness. As Brianna Wiest said in her book The Mountain is You, “all you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are.” 

So take a leap, even if it’s small. Learn something new. Do a puzzle. Paint a picture. You are the only person who can decide how you spend your time and isn’t that wonderful?